Kissing Cousins

• Apparently Eddie McGuire refused to rule out Collingwood drafting Ben Cousins on radio this morning.
• The number 9 jumper is free at Collingwood having been respectfully kept vacant after Julian Rowe's massive contribution to the club
• Cousins would be the addition to the midfield Collingwood needs to be a top line side.
• It would stick it right up Carlton after being trumped on Judd by Dick "Money Bags" Pratt
• What a massive match Collingwood-Carlton would be next year if Cousins and Judd were to face off at the MCG for the respective arch rivals.
• I'm getting overly excited, hand me the diazepam.

My Two Cents on Trade Week

• West Coast have done very well out of trade week, obviously they lost Judd but now have 4 picks in the top 25.
• Bulldogs retain 2 picks in the top 20 and get Ben Hudson so they're just about the winners I reckon.
• What on Earth St Kilda are doing I'll never know, trying to top up with mid range players it seems (which rarely works). Guess Dempster and Schneider were two of Ross Lyons' favourites at the Swannies.
• Carlton obviously got Judd but for a side that's rebuilding to only have 1 pick in the top 30 (albeit pick 1) and 5 picks overall is a very interesting way to go about it. Hadley will be a good pick up if he can actually get on the field but with Jordan Russell, Mark Murphy, Bryce Gibbs and Nick Stevens in the midfield mix with Judd I would have thought they'd be moving heaven and earth to get a key defender which is what they desperately need.

And now for the important bit - Collingwood: The 'Pies obviously feel they have a young and talented enough list to get away without having a first round pick this year, especially as we sacrificed that to get the one thing we desperately needed: a competitive ruckman - the great thing is Wood will be around for at least the next 10 years. Call me one eyed Cliff but I tend to think we've done alright, despite my reluctance of giving up a first round pick for Wood. We don't desperately need anything really now and if Derek Hone can pull off some more mid-draft and rookie list magic we may just have a dynasty on our hands.

Trade Week Details are below (and for reasons knownst only to Blogger some way below): -

Club	Picks	No Picks	Players Picked Up
Adelaide	10, 27, 30, 38, 59, 75, 91	7	Moran, Symes
Brisbane	8, 25, 41, 52, 57, 73, 89	7	Johnstone
Carlton	1, 36, 46, 68, 84	5	Judd, Hadley
Collingwood	31, 47, 63, 79, 95, 96	6	Wood
Essendon	6, 23, 39, 55, 71, 87	6
Fremantle	7, 24, 40, 56, 72, 88	6
Geelong	17, 34, 44, 50, 62, 82, 90, 98	8
Hawthorn	12, 29, 45, 61, 77, 93	6
Kangaroos	15, 32, 37, 64, 80	5	Davies, S. Power
Melbourne	4, 14, 21, 53, 69, 85	6	Meesen
Port Adelaide	16, 28, 33, 49, 65, 81, 97	7
Richmond	2, 18, 51, 67, 83	5	McMahon, Morton
St Kilda	9, 42, 58, 74	4	Schneider, Dempster, King, Gardiner
Sydney	11, 26, 60, 76, 92	5	Mattner, Playfair
West Coast	3, 13, 20, 22, 54, 78, 94	7	Kennedy
Western Bulldogs	5, 19, 35, 43, 48, 66, 70, 86	8	Hudson, Callan

Finals Fever (or So Much Malarkey)

Can you believe the insult of Collingwood not starting favourites this Saturday at the MCG? Despite playing an interstate side they easily vanquished at the same venue just two weeks prior? Despite having also beaten them on their own dung heap earlier in the year? Despite finishing higher on the ladder than their opponents? The Pies are regarded as $2.05 outsiders to the Swans $1.77 favouritism. Pshaw I say!

Anyway I like it when the Woodsmen are the underdogs, which it appears they most certainly are - their $23 for the flag is the longest of any left in the race for September glory.

So here's the plan Pies fans:

We knock off Sydney (for the third time this season) on Saturday night with a reinvigorated Alan Didak helping himself to a goal picnic. The previous evening Port Adelaide lose to West Coast in a ring-a-ding-ding-last-man-standing-knock-em-down-drag-em-out-drag-em-back-in-again-stand-em-up-and-knock-em-down-again affair. The ensuing semi-final sees Collingwood travel to its home away from home in Adelaide to defeat a battle weary Port (the third time we defeat Port in a final) with a vintage display from the coming-into-match-fitness Nathan Buckley.

In the preliminary we face the Cats who, having summarily dismissed the Kangaroos in their only final to that point, have had a week off with all of Gee-long town telling them how good they are. We of course crack the cocky cats pressurising the preening pussies to the point of putridity with Sean Rusling giving a crippled Matt Egan the run around and kicking 6.23.

Next up is the Eagles at the home of football on football's biggest day (and various other clichés). The Weagles have, of course, played their last match in Perth which as we all know is a guarantee that you will lose the next week - that's what they did wrong in 2005! So the Pies win the Grand Final by 49 points with Nathan Buckley chaired triumphantly from the ground on the shoulders of dual Norm Smith Medallists Nick Maxwell and Scott Burns.

The orchestral music plays and Jennifer Hawkins finally comes to her senses and decides she has in fact been in love with me all this time. At the exact same time though so too do Jessica Alba and Princess Mary of Denmark. The three beauties decide who may have me by the only means that are both dignified and feasible - a nude jelly wrestle. After half an hour of this in front of an enraptured MCG crowd they decide they are all worthy of me (and horny as hell) so they propose a tryst with myself on the top floor of the Hilton involving the most erotic of four-ways.

After confirming that Nick Maxwell and Scott Burns do not require me to turn for them on this occasion I consent to the Hilton rendezvous and enter the penthouse suite with a smile so wide I have to walk through the door sideways. Three minutes later I head to the Lexus Centre for the premiership celebrations - which delay my swearing in as Prime Minister by a few weeks (this also delays my appointment of Cori to the pivotal Partying Down Portfolio).

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Now I can't see how the above could in any way be seen as anything but the most likely September scenario. Tell the people.

Oh Gaz

Let me start off by saying that I understand that the football journalist has to find something to write about and that it can be difficult to find that something to fill a column each week. Having said that, there is no reason to fill that column with absolute drivel.

Case in point Garry Lyon. He possesses a very good football brain, is a smooth media performer and - from what I can tell having never met the man - is a decent sort of a bloke too. However his article in the Herald-Sun today (Tuesday August 14) doesn't stand up to scrutiny. In order to big note myself I will go through and refute it (like the bitter Collingwood supporter that I am) paragraph by paragraph.

Is Collingwood wobbling four weeks from the finals in which it was expected to play a major role, but is now suddenly no longer a certainty to make? It all depends on your 2007 expectations for the Pies.
As someone who didn't have them in my top eight, I don't subscribe to the Colliwobbles theory. But the Pies being the Pies, there are plenty of people prepared to revel in their upset defeat at Richmond's hands.
Collingwood, for much of the year, has defied the critics and, just a couple of weeks ago, still looked a legitimate chance to finish in the top four

They were top four contenders with an easy draw who have not won consecutive games since the split round. In the last 3 weeks they have been flogged by 91 points, just shaved home against the lowly Blues and were then woeful in a loss to the bottom of the ladder Tigers. If that is not a wobble then Muhammed Ali would make a good drinks waiter.

If defence is the cornerstone of premiership sides, then to lose arguably the best defender in the competition, James Clement, for most of the year leaves an enormous hole.
Add the extended absence of underrated full-back Simon Prestigiacomo, and you begin to appreciate obstacles the Pies have had to overcome.

James Clement and Simon Prestigiacomo have returned to the side in recent weeks - right when the Pies have been playing their worst football.

Harry O'Brien has done an admirable job, boxing out of his weight division, yet it was eventually going to take its toll. It came in the form of five goals from Geelong's Cam Mooney five weeks ago, and O'Brien has battled since.
Shane Wakelin exceeded expectations, taming Barry Hall and Fraser Gehrig, but it was expecting too much of him to subdue the big forwards week in, week out.

Harry O'Brien has played a different role since the return of Clement and Presti but has been serviceable. Shane Wakelin has gone out of the side now Presti is back. At no stage has he been stitched up by a "big forward".

Rhyce Shaw may not be an elite defender, but he has something the Pies don't have a lot of -- genuine pace and the ability to run the lines. His absence has also hurt.

Rhyce Shaw has played in the last two weeks, two of the sides worst performances for the year.

Garry goes on to talk about the midfield struggling. If I can cut in here and just say that Collingwood's troubles begin and end at the clearances. Since half time against Essendon in Round 16 the Pies simply have not been able to get their hands on the ball at the stoppages. IMO this is because of the team's lack of a second quality ruckman and also the injury to Scott Pendlebury in the opening minutes of their Round 17 match against Brisbane.

The team also seems to have lost its trademark intensity. Whether this is because of the rigours of a long season or the fact it has become the hunted rather than the hunter is a matter for debate. Anyway back to the Lyon bashing:

No one could have foreseen the Alan Didak drama or the impact it would have on him. It is fair to say he hasn't come anywhere near his All-Australian form of last year.

I think the fact that Didak underwent a knee reconstruction in September of 2006 and has been playing since the early rounds of 2007 is a better explanation of his lack of form. Didak deserves credit for his efforts on the field to date, it has been one of the better come backs from a knee reconstruction that I can think of.

The best clubs must have a clear understanding of where they sit in terms of planning for the next flag.
For the Pies to introduce nine debutants this year and remain competitive is a notable performance.
Success for the Pies this year is not about a premiership or a top-four finish, although that would never be knocked back.
It's about positioning themselves for a serious tilt at another premiership, and they are very much on track.
There will be some familiar names missing if, and when, that time comes, but there is no crisis or wobbling going on at the Lexus Centre

Yes, yes all valid but it in no way backs up your argument that the Pies aren't currently wobbling. The side has gone from looking at a home final and a double chance to serious concerns about finals qualification. THAT IS A WOBBLE.

Of course as a Collingwood fan let me say this: we are getting the Colliwobbles out of the way in August. Bucks will be back soon and the side will win their last six games to take out the flag from sixth spot.

Grammar Rant

There are innumerable clichés in football – as cliché seems to give a negative connotation I would even go so far as to call some of them maxims. “Taking it one week at time” is the classic example. Though often maligned for being a cliché it is an indisputable fact that you do have to take football one week at a time. A pertinent adage in a similar vein is one that was a favourite of Mick Erwin: “Football is a week to week proposition, because you’re dealing with human beings and an oblong ball”. Never a truer word was spoken.

I certainly don’t mind some of the fundamental clichés that adorn the football vernacular. What I don’t like is hearing poor grammar from those employed to commentate on the game. Here are some of the most common you will here:

"He’s quite athletical”
No he’s quite athletic.

"He was lacks-a-daisical there”
He was lackadaisical actually, unless you mean he was short of an obscure bread of flower.

“He is beset upon by opponents”
You are either set upon by opponents or beset by opponents. You cannot be beset upon.

"You can be rest assured”
You will either rest assured - rest as in a good night’s rest - or the rest is assured - rest as in the part remaining. In the words of The Goodies “GET IT RIGHT”

"So it all goes well for the future”
NO! It AUGURSwell for the future. All will go well for the future but the word is augurs.

"He won’t kick long to a contest because he is weary of giving the ball up”
What they mean is he is cautious of giving the ball up, however weary means tired for fuxake. They don’t say be-weir they say be-WARE as in WARY! IT’S WARY Oh look it up

That’s it I’m off to the State Library to look haughtily at the uneducated masses and snort at even the slightests mispronunciation from even the youngest of children.

Collingwood is No Fairy Tale

I wrote this poem in about 1999 and my memory was jogged by my fairytale reference in the Buckley article below. Hope you enjoy:

Collingwood is No Fairytale

It is hard to put into words
That which sprung up from the suburbs
Giving rise to the legend that
Was born upon the river flats
In now fabled days of yore
When townships weekly went to war

So how do you sum up Collingwood?
I don't know if I could or should,
But much that seems great and good,
Is incarnate in Collingwood.

In 1892 spawned of Britannia,
In four short years we were the champions,
Founding members of the V.F.L.
Of the Pannams and Lee we still hear tell,
And now though he's passed,
Gone beyond and breathed his last,
His memory will never grow stale,
Collingwood still honours Jock McHale.
The league ignores the great McHale*,
For Collingwood is no fairytale,
Of his great deeds we all should know,
His greatest the four flags in a row.
The Coventrys and Colliers,
Still on the lips of all our followers,
And as war simmered down in the Rhine,
Enter his successor: Phonse Kine.

McHale was still alive to see,
The glory of 1953,
But in that year we mourned his passing,
His memory lives on - everlasting.

Now all Pies fans will hate,
Looking beyond 1958,
From then it all went off the rails,
Collingwood is no fairytale,
Through the 1960's we watched appalled,
Thinking 1970 was the worst of all,
Then in '79 we thought I hearts would fail,
Collingwood is no fairytale,
Carlton cheated with no qualms,
Oh for the treachery of Wayne Harmes.
Nine winless Grand Finals we endured,
And though great names came to the fore,
Tuddenham, Thompson, Peter Moore,
Picken, Dunne and of course the Shaws,
And those these greats did give their all,
Only one made the Honour wall.

For after 32 years of blame and doubt,
In 1990 we broke the drought,
'Twas a flag the team refused to yield,
With Tony Shaw the best afield,
Captain Courageous led the team,
Down the road to the impossible dream.

In a year and a day things would turn sour,
As the club then reached its darkest hour.
Collingwood is no fairytale,
And the next two lines do turn me pale:
Pants Millane left in his prime,
To take his place by McHale and Kine.

Since then the years they have been bleak,
We've seen a record losing streak,
The club defeated upon its centennary,
Our legends ignored in the 'Team of the Century'.
But doubt not that we will be back,
They'll again learn to fear the white and black,
We'll soldier on through the years of pain,
And though every supporter is going insane,
We know we'll soon be back again,
To honour the ghosts of Darren Millane,
Of Jock McHale and of Phonse Kine,
It won't be long, we'll just bide our time,
Our army ensures we'll never fail,
We'll do it without luck or fairytales.

*This poem was written before the AFL began to award the McHale Medal to the premiership coach each year. It was also written not long after Jock McHale was inexplicably overlooked as the coach of the AFL's Team of the Century in 1996.

Bucking Off

Fairytales in football are very rare indeed. Reparation for hard work is certainly more attainable but in no way assured.

Case in point Nathan Buckley. A player who at every moment in his career has taken extreme care of his body with impeccable attention to detail. Now, despite his diligence, that body is breaking down to the point that it may well never get him on to the field of battle again.

Meanwhile, it seems more so than ever we have innumerable talented individuals who are not willing to do the hard work necessary to attain the football excellence that is within their reach. Huge media fuelled egos and comfort in their celebrity – and fat pay cheques - ensure they will never reach the hallowed echelon reserved for the true greats of the game.

Alternatively we see – and admire – the Paul Licuria’s of the world: those that may not have the sublime skills that grab the headlines but who are willing to work their guts out to get to the line each week. Simple genetics dictate that they too will not attain the rarefied rank of greatness.

With many league footballers you seem to have a trade off between talent and hard work. Never have these two traits been melded so perfectly as with Nathan Buckley. It would therefore be a cruel fate that saw Buckley leave the game on anything but his own terms.

Over a decade of sustained excellence and a long list of playing honours have not shaded the record breaking captain’s gut busting work ethic – no doubt a strict adherent to the Steve Waugh ethos that you never stop improving.

There are few more majestic sights on a football field than the poise and vision of a Nathan Buckley field kick. The great tragedy is that unlike the wizardry of Shane Warne over the previous cricketing summer – and indeed James Hird this football season - we may not be able to marvel at his prowess on the field knowing it is soon to be gone. It may well already be gone forever.

But as always amongst Collingwood supporters hope springs eternal. The side may well extend its season beyond the 22 weeks, allowing the captain precious time to nurse his recalcitrant hamstring back to health. Justice would be to see the man known to the Magpie Army as ‘Bucks’ take the field for one last farewell, to say good bye on the shoulders of teammates rather than from the confines of a motorcade . A fairytale would be the victory dais on Grand Final day.

Though cruel reality and rational thought dictates that, tragically, we have seen Buckley play for the last time, we do have Jason McCartney to thank for the adage that in football – on very rare occasions - “fairytales do come true”.